Tag Archives: first cut is the deepest

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Emergent

I’m somewhere on the wave of a contraction feeling its energy burst, its necessary need, its primal force.

I’m with my mother in law, her tiny form creating another, her small arms cradling, her small mouth saying ‘he has a heavy head.’ 

And I’m gulping air into my own tiny lungs, fresh into the world, carrying my mother’s chemicals, her genes, her ways, 

on and on and on.

I’m somewhere not far from where I am now, lying  skin to skin. And where my abdomen used to be, lilies bloomed.

I bled therefore I am.

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Time Dilation #5

I suppose it was me and the clock, me and the concerned faces, me breathing and counting and getting nowhere. I suppose I don’t like being told that I can’t do something, so I try even harder for a while. A sense that to give up would be to fail.

Now I can feel it’s me talking from exhaustion (much like this morning, in this world now.) A sense of the pressure I put on myself, but then as now, sooner or later, I gave in, gave myself up to it all. 

I remember the nurse or maybe he was a consultant? (It wasn’t Johnny V, we never saw him again, with his slicked back black hair and pristine striped shirt) but someone apologised to me and my determination broke free from my eyes, rolled in spheres down my hot flushed cheeks. 

I guess the rest of the evening was spent in the theatre, but no aisle seat for me that time. I was centre stage, I was the whole ensemble, I was the diva under their lights and clamps and curtains. My abdomen sang wide, glorious and while they hurried, tinkered and sewed the gash, I loved him in my bloodied arms. 

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